May 28th, 2009

LeBron in the NFL? Sure - but how about in the AVN?

With the Cleveland Cavaliers on the brink of elimination in the NBA Eastern Conference Finals, speculation is rampant as to LeBron’s “legacy” in the sport. And with good reason: without a championship, can you even mention him in the same sentence as six-time ring-winner MJ? No one wants to be Wilt Chamberlain to history’s Bill Russell; and for all the premature burying by the media, it looks as if Kobe, in the end, may come out on top this season and thus carve a significantly deeper niche in history’s bedpost.

Recently, ESPN pushed the LeBron issue even further and published an article evaluating the current best-athlete-on-the-planet’s relative chances in the NFL, should he choose to go that route.  Unsurprisingly, Bronnie’s forecast was sunny; but I for one like to imagine that if LBJ had a mind to pull a ‘94-’95 Jordan and go on hiatus, he might perhaps consider a different athletic career: to wit, a season or two in the Valley, playing for the Van Nuys PussySmashers. Let’s do the pundit thing for a moment . . . and see how he stacks up.

Personality. This is sort of a trick question, because you don’t really need to have a good personality to succeed in porn. But even so, LeBron easily passes the test here. As the best teammate in basketball, a natural leader sans the dickhead tendencies of a cranky late-career Jordan or a driven-to-the-point-of-reptilianism Kobe Bryant, LeBron’s coming into porn, making friends, and doing his daily fucks in a positive manner, leaving cast and crew totally wreathed in smiles (as wreathed as you can be while making porn, which is about a 5 out of 10 on the wreathed scale, usually).

Cock size. The biggest X-factor, obviously. Stereotypes dictate that LeBron’s “carrying” a “huge hog,” but you can’t count on that. A sculpted, beaming professional athlete might be a promising sight in a porn-draft, but without a penis of concomitant size, he’s just not selling tapes. The celeb factor will get you in the door; but after a few viewings, your average porn fan’s going to want at least 8 inches, thick. With no reports coming in as yet, this remains an interesting can’t-tell.

Same issue for staying power. We know LeBron’s married with a kid: that means he’s probably not porking other women on road trips (too nice a guy to cheat on his wife). And if he is, then it’s probably only on special occasions (like after getting eliminated by the Orlando Magic in five games. I seriously did not see this coming). To make the leap to fucking a new chick every day would be a tantalizing one for the Cav’s superstar and current Most Valuable Player, but that very excitement could translate negatively if he gets too thrilled by the delightful tight-pussy smorgasboard that’s laid out in front of him and starts coming in 5.3 minutes. You gotta think longevity - we need an hour staying power, minimum, to shoot a quality scene. And, I just remembered, a voluminous cum shot.

Does Bronnie’s huge talent translate into major-league jizz? We just don’t know. I used to shoot a guy named Chocolate Thunder back in the day: really, really nice kid, 21 years old, from South Central LA, had been a major recruit for USC’s football squad before he was arrested for armed robbery (convicted) and attempted murder (happily, exonerated). He was a pretty awesome physical specimen who would fuck anything except his wife. However, when it came to pops, he was a disappointment. Dribbling. It was pathetic. After a while you could hardly even hire him, no matter how good he was at the rest of his job.

Then, conversely, there was this guy named LT - does anyone else remember LT? He was a C-Lister if there ever was one: an ashy, boring, middle-class black dude in his early 40’s, corny, pot belly, talked too much during scenes. Smallish wang. But if you were shooting a blowbang or a mini-Bukkake, you had to hire LT, because his cumshots were just horrible monsters. So you see, you never really know who’s got the full package. Lots of X-Factors in this sport.

Let’s talk a little bit more about the celebrity thing. Sure, this column’s written mostly tongue-in-cheek - I don’t actually think that LeBron, Kobe, Wilt Chamberlain, etc. would truly make the leap to porn (actually, Wilt probably would have; his narcissism makes Criss Angel look humble) - but really, the only reason they won’t is because no one else is doing it. These days, Kenny Smith’s a commentator, Mark Jackson’s a commentator, hell, even Jamal Mashburn is a commentator. I have to wait, literally nodding at the TV, rooting for him, for Mash to spit out a complete sentence, but the fact of the matter is, “analysis” has turned into a viable career option for an entire generation of NBA players. It’s not about talent, really - it’s about the fact that someone else did it first, and opened up the door.

Now, don’t you think that some of these guys would just as soon move into a post-NBA porn schedule? Dennis Rodman definitely would have gone for it, but he chose wrestling and Carmen Electra instead and stupidly missed his window. I was watching the Nuggets-Lakers last night (Kobe is not a mammal, by the way: he’s a technocratic velociraptor with green lasers coursing through his lizard veins. Which reminds me: the best thinly-veiled portrait of Kobe-as-a-murderer is the roman à clef MVP, by James Boice. Why haven’t we heard more about this book? I’ve literally never met anyone else who’s even heard of it or cares about it, much less read it, even though it’s a great first novel, and every single time I watch the Lakers I deeply want to discuss it with someone). As the game progressed, I couldn’t help it: I’m checking the guys out for prospects. And hey, let’s think about “Nene”: now there’s a guy who’s made for porn.

Think about it. He’s a six-foot-ten Black Brazilian with a body like Randy Macho Man Savage and a highly entertaining emotional streak. Because he’s a low post player who likes to bang, Nene’s kneeknee’s will start to give in about 3-4 years, max. He’s not gonna be a commentator due to his lousy English; honestly, his best-case scenario is play 9.7 mpg for the Brazilian Olympic squad in 2012 and then retire to Sao Paolo where he can force little kids to learn the George Karl’s weird offensive set even though they secretly just want to go dance Samba.

If porn was a realistic retirement plan for Nene (he even already has a porn name! this is incredible!), he could move to the Valley, buy a Prius, fuck in bizarre positions three-four times a week, and garner indie hipster cred not seen this side of Sasha Grey (layout in Vice will be Nene wearning nothing but an expensive handbag, with a denuded Terry Richardson in the background). Plus, if he was the first NBA guy to do it, then we’re talking international media coverage, denunciation by both David Stern and Mark Cuban, and eventually a saucy memoir, which I would happily ghostwrite.

Why don’t more people do this?

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One Response to “LeBron in the NFL? Sure - but how about in the AVN?”

  1. Jean-Paul Travers says:

    Cogent. Thoughtful.

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